puns

Little boy tells his nursery

teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?"

asks the teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear & it

didn't move" says the boy.

"You did what!?" shrieks the

teacher.

"You know" explains the boy, "I

leant over & went Psst & it didn't move.

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Why did the ticket collector only check half of the passengers on the train?

He was a semiconductor.

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Recently, I’ve been building a car made from old washing machine parts.

I’m going to take it out for a spin tomorrow.

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Lately had a vasectomy so I wouldn’t have kids. Got home and they were still there

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Little known fact:

Before the crowbar was invented, crows simply drank at home.

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"Billy, run upstairs and find out how old Mrs. Brown is today."

A few minutes later: "Mrs. Brown says it is no business of yours how

old she is today."

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I`ve hired a proofreader for my tweeds and I think he`s well worth the monkey

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In college, I used to live on a houseboat. I started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

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In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 18-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

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I went to the paint store to get thinner.

It didn’t work.

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My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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You should never iron a shamrock!

You don’t want to press your luck