the daily pun

 

I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought, "I don't have time for this shit."

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Diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your jeans.

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How do you make a pirate angry?

Take the P.

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If someone’s hair looked messed up from digging so much, would it be dis shoveled?

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What goes up but never comes down?

Your age

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A group of flight attendants have been consuming cannabis while waiting in the plane , on the ground , for boarding the passengers going to the locale the jet just came from .

They leave no turn unstoned .

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Why do newborns cry?

Because they can no longer order from womb service.

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Japan Airlines flight was arriving so the sign at the airport said

"Great, Expect Asians"

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-how do you call a magician who has lost his magic?

-Ian

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Women are so often dismissed when they marry.

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Teacher: "Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?"

Johnny: "Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome."