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When I moved into my new igloo,my friends threw me a surprise housewarming party…now I`m homeless…

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Did you hear? They aren`t making 12inch-rulers any longer…

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I just joined a dating site for arsonists…they sent me a lot of matches…

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I was on a diabetes awareness site…they asked me if I accept cookies…

is that a trick question?

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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten

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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits 

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Yesterday, my wife asked me “is it just me or is this cat getting fat?”

apparently,”it is just you” wasn`t the right answer…

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What was a spider doing in a computer?

His web site

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Today I learned that penguins produce an oil that helps them retain body heat.

Yeah,the oily bird gets the warm…

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Studies show that people with high IQ tend to be lazy,

or something like that.

I didn't read the whole article.

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My friend David lost his ID…now we call him Dav